Peek-A-Prize is a durable wood toy that should keep your kitty entertained for hours.  Either that, or she’ll go to sleep disdainfully in the box it came in.  With cats, you never can tell.  ($33)

This cat bowl comes in blue or pink, with removable stainless steel bowls for easy cleaning, and a fish skeleton emblem to allow your cat the morbid little delusion that he is dining on the bodies of his enemies.  ($19)

Cats need beds, but there’s no reason they have to a) take up room on the floor and b) be ugly.  Instead, c) buy the Wall Barrel, and let your kitty get some exercise as she puts herself to bed.  Plus, I have a feeling watching her try to climb in this thing is going to be pretty entertaining.  ($70)

We may have the hypoallergenic cat now, but sadly, no one has yet invented the non-pooping cat.  So you can struggle with ordinary litter pans, or you can shell out for the superfantastic self-scooping Litter Robot. (Any resemblance to the Death Star is entirely coincidental, but really, really cool.) ($299)

Rhinestones are tacky, but dots are just mod.  So glam up your cat with the safe, stretchy green dots collar.  He’ll thank you for staying current; cats hate outdated accessories. ($10)

At some point, you have to have That Talk with your cat.  The talk about how she should Just Say No to catnip.  What is your cat’s Anti-Drug™?  Practice strategies she can use when her peers are pressuring her to try the ‘nip just this once. On the other hand, you could just be one of those permissive hippie cat parents and get her this set of four hemp mousies stuffed with organic catnip. “It’s safer for her to do the ‘nip at home—at least I know where she is,” you’ll say.  Sure. Just keep telling yourself that.  ($10)

Sure, you drink tap, but your cat?  Does not drink tap, does not use wire hangers, and always parks valet.  Tap from a drinking fountain? 
That, your cat will drink.  Wouldn’t you? ($34.99)

Nominally, the goal is to get the cat to chase this thing around for exercise.  We all know the real reason for buying this toy, of course: incriminating videos of your cat behaving like a fool = YouTube fame.  I won’t tell him if you won’t. ($6.97) 

This cat brush is like the Swiss Army Knife of cat brushes.  Flea combs pop out of its handle, and it has a scratchy side and a soft side.  It may or may not have tiny scissors and a corkscrew.  I think this is what ninjas use to brush their cats. ($11.99)


Now you’ve outfitted your cat, so all that’s left is to socialize her.  With hard work and love, your cat can even be a loyal, obedient friend who performs tricks and meets many of your emotional needs trained to use the litterbox and stop walking on your face after you’ve gone to sleep.  Enjoy your new life as a minion lowly worm who must accede to her every whim cat owner!