We are blessed this year with an abundance of berries -- you name it, we've got it. And that means we're busy picking, cleaning, preserving, etc., etc., etc. After one harvest I sifted through black raspberries, and to my horror I discover a small spider. I'll admit I'm not a fan of spiders, but they do far more good than we know. But here she was about to become jam. I'm not squeamish about killing bugs, but I felt really bad. She was just scuttling about to get out of my way. I tried to encourage her to come out of the mound of berries, but she hid -- down deep where I had no chance to save her.
This whole scenario got me thinking. I've done this to my friends. When I've nagged them to come to a party. "Oh, you'll have a great time," I'd promise. They regretted every minute. When I try to play matchmaker and hook them up with a "great" guy. Never were two people less alike. When I've tried to help but only end up embarrassing both of us. In the end my friends, like this little spider, said "thanks, but no thanks" and scuttled out of my way, if only temporarily.
A woman proposed an idea and thought I might be able to offer her some advice since I'm a writer. She was also hoping I could give her names and direction so she could move the idea forward. Been there, done that, I said. Thinking I was saving her the heartache and the pain of editorial rejection. I've tried it, I told her, but it just didn't fly. It crushed her, though I never knew how much.
Truth is, it wasn't about her, it was about me. About how I felt about "doing good." A modern-day philosopher contends there is no such thing as pure altruism -- that people do good things because it makes them feel good. Not because they see the merit in the action. A man I know in charity work agreed, saying: "Trouble is, what happens when the good deed no longer 'feels' good?" That's why nonprofits have such a tough time recruiting and keeping volunteers. After a while it's a chore.
So, I've learned to let my "sisters" go. I've let them develop, and I leave them to their own devices. A helping hand lets go instead of holding on. I have also swallowed my Gibraltar of pride and pitched the woman's idea to a newspaper, with her name on the byline. I have no idea how it will turn out. I have no idea where the spider is -- but she's not in my jam. |
Bernadette Sukley |
| About the author: |
| Bernadette Sukley has written, edited, fact checked for nearly 20 years. Her topics range from health to sports and lifestyle, from human interest to hard news. Her work has appeared in Men’s Health, Sports Illustrated for Women, and ABROAD magazines. Currently polishing up 3 novels for publication, she welcomes discussions on women and literature.
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