I recently attended a trade seminar that hosted a distinguished group of panelists discussing their careers. One of the invited speakers was a best-selling author, a woman in her late forties. Another panelist, a long-time friend and colleague, filled his introduction about her with accolades. He pumped her up like a Popeye balloon in a Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade, tauting her many achievements, including several impressive awards and a starring role in a television series. Then she chimed in, “And I’m very single!”
Whaaaaat? She didn’t really say that, did she?
The discussion continued, and she gave us her rags to riches story, revealing all of the hard work that it took for her to achieve success, and then, once more she mentioned to the attendees that she was divorced and added she couldn’t seem to get a date. So if you know anybody...
In an instant, it felt like she let out all the helium in her balloon. In my mind, her credibility shriveled like latex to the floor. Now I know that being unhappily single is her reality, but come on. There’s a time and a place to discuss one’s personal life, and that wasn’t it. Save it for the cocktail party before dinner or start dating online, but don’t hand out your business cards for a good time.
There were plenty of reasons to like this person, and I mean that. I wanted to like her. She was lively and entertaining and had a winning personality. She was also intelligent, successful and funny. The banter between she and the moderator made it obvious that they were on the same page. But I wasn’t.
Sitting next to me, a friend and colleague must have picked up on my disbelief. “Oh, she’s just being self-deprecating,” he said, shrugging his shoulders. Well, yeah. Later in the afternoon, I overheard a couple of women chatting, raving, in fact, about how adorable this speaker was. Is it me, I wondered, or are we just so accustomed to women putting ourselves down that we are desensitized to it? Worse yet, do we think it’s cute?
I don’t begrudge this woman her desire to share her life intimately with a partner. Every healthy person wants to love and be loved. It’s often a woman’s priority, above all else. Perfectly understandable. Here’s this professional, successful, personable, beautiful woman. There’s no reason in the world why she should have to worry that she is incomplete without a partner, and yet, that’s what she believes about herself. There is a karmic law of the universe that says: what you put out is what you get back. She believes she’s incomplete, therefore, she is.
Occasionally my husband will point out something that I have said that he perceives as self-deprecating. I’m not even aware I’m doing it. Sadly, for many, if not most women, it’s engrained in our being, even those who believe they have achieved some degree of personal enlightenment or professional success. Including me. Some of us combat this feeling of being “less than” on a daily basis. The only purpose it serves is keeping us from reaching higher, making us feel unworthy and incompetent. It takes conscious effort to overcome feeling this way.
The effort is worth it, and it can be done. Changing how we view ourselves begins with our words and behavior. Yes I am enough, as I am. Say it long enough and you will begin to believe it. “Fake it ‘til you make it” applies here. As a member of the Been There, Done That club, I can vouch this to be true.
If like attracts like, then the solution to finding the kind of man whom this woman undoubtedly wants and deserves is to be confident in herself. Here’s the irony: to get that kind of man, a woman can’t need him. It’s not the man she needs anyway, but the way she would feel about herself if she were to have that man. A woman has to find that within herself.
And that is what she needs.
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