Q&A: Unwelcome Pressure to Change |
Q: I'm in a relationship with someone I love deeply. In many ways we're a great match, but there's one thing that really bugs me. I get these subtle messages (fairly frequently, I have to admit) that he'd like me to be different -- my style of clothing, my driving, and even sometimes my beliefs. For example, he went ballistic when I told him that astrology fascinates me. How can I deal with this situation? Does this mean my relationship is doomed?
A: Great questions -- and I applaud your openness to explore what's going on in your relationship. People who love their partner deeply often don't want to look at the challenges for fear of rocking the boat or risking the loss of something good. It takes courage to take a deeper look at the stuff that doesn't feel right.
Since I'm a life coach and not an advice columnist, let's begin by exploring your questions with some more questions.
• How would YOU like to be?
This is often a central question that supports people -- especially women -- in getting clearer when a partner subtly (or not so subtly) pressures for change. As women, most of us have been taught to view our lives from the outside in instead of the inside out. Check out how different these two sets of questions feel.
Outside in:
What does he think of me?
How can I get or keep myself attractive, agreeable, the right weight, etc.?
How can I keep him interested?
What does he really want/need/mean/think/feel?
Inside out:
What do I want?
How do I feel?
What happens to my energy when he gives me one of those "change" messages?
How do I want to look/feel?
What choices will best support me on my life path?
Asking the inside-out questions brings our center of gravity back where it belongs. It helps us reclaim our right to live by our own values and to design our lives according to our own vision. It assists us in throwing off the contortions we've put ourselves through in an effort to attract a particular person or make a particular relationship work.
• When you consider your relationship from an inside-out perspective, what do you see?
Here are some things that may be useful to reflect on.
* The difference between falling in love with a person vs. falling in love with the person's potential or with the idea of being in a relationship
Many years ago, I knew a man who married and had a child quickly. Two years later, he was a single parent. When he and his wife split up, he sent her a handmade card.
COVER: I will always love . . .
INSIDE: . . . the false image I had of you.
What false images do you and your partner have of each other? In what ways are you trying to get each other to live up to those false images instead of accepting each other as you are?
What would happen if you were to accept each other as you are? Would that solution be workable for you? Are you with someone you want to be with? (Sometimes it helps to forget about the love factor when assessing this, as love can cloud things mightily at times. Love is definitely a grand thing, but it's not a cure-all for deep incompatibilities.)
* Your boundaries regarding how you want and need to be treated
I often suggest that clients make a list of basic, nonnegotiable values and qualities they need in a relationship. To create a meaningful list, be sure to come from an inside-out perspective instead of creating your list based on your current relationship.
* Who do YOU want to be in an intimate relationship?
And to what degree does your current relationship hold the potential for you to be that person? What internal obstacles do you bring to the relationship? What obstacles does your partner bring? Which leads us to . . .
* Your relationship's "communication quotient" and "growth quotient"
How able are you to speak honestly about your concerns? How able is your partner to hear you, respect what you're saying, and do the hard work of examining his motives, actions, and communication style? What kind of person do you want to be with in that regard?
A woman I know once found herself in a relationship with someone who was committed to personal growth, but his abilities were at such an elementary level that the catch-up factor was too draining for her. She ultimately chose to not put herself through that anymore. In the process, she learned to make communication skills and emotional literacy much more front and center on the list of core qualities she seeks in a partner.
Not everyone is in that situation. Some couples are able to effectively address problem areas by choosing to face them head-on by themselves or with the support of a relationship coach or a couple's therapist. Whatever the outcome in your particular situation, I'm confident that you'll enjoy rich personal growth as you explore what's right for you.
Highly recommended books on relationships:
Embracing Each Other
by Hal Stone and Sidra Stone
Partnering: A New Kind of Relationship
by Hal Stone and Sidra Stone
Perfect Love, Imperfect Relationships: Healing the Wounds of the Heart
by John Welwood
Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships
by David Schnarch |
Kira Freed |
| About the author: |
| Kira Freed is a Certified Life Coach (CLC) and former psychotherapist with master's degrees in counseling psychology and anthropology. She has been passionate about personal growth since her teenage years and has been fortunate to attend a wealth of professional trainings and workshops. She has worked in the field of human development since 1990 and is inspired by and honored to collaborate with coaching clients in the emergence and expression of their authentic selves. Kira lives in Tucson, Arizona, and most of her clients work with her by telephone. She can be reached at
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for more information or to book a coaching session. She offers a sliding scale, and the first session is free. This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it |
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