Q&A: Ready for a New Relationship? |
Q: An important intimate relationship ended nine months ago. How do I know if I'm ready to get involved again?
A: Everyone's healing process after a breakup is unique, and the circumstances of the breakup often have a large impact on the steps people experience in their healing. Who ended the relationship? If it was the other person, did you see it coming or was it out of the blue? And how would you describe the breakup -- amicable, chilly, or downright nasty?
After a breakup, many people "get back on the horse" and start dating again as quickly as possible. This is often an attempt to prove to themselves that they're worthwhile and desirable, even if their ex didn't think so. The resulting relationship is often either a repeat of the previous one or an "instant karma" situation where they get an up-close experience of being on the receiving end of the treatment they doled out in their last relationship.
A different approach is to give yourself time to sort through what happened and to heal at a deep level before embarking on a new relationship. Only you know how long that will take, but here are some factors you might consider.
What stages have you gone through in your healing? Which ones still need more attention?
• Ending an important relationship generally involves a fair measure of grieving, which may focus on sadness. The sadness may be about the actual person, the lifestyle you shared, and/or the loss of a dream you had. This is the most "classic" form of grief, and it generally eases over time. If it doesn't, it's probably related to earlier, unresolved sadness in your life. A good therapist can help you resolve it.
The end of a relationship often includes the stages of grief identified by Elisabeth Kubler-Ross in On Death and Dying -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Contrary to popular opinion, these stages don't necessarily follow a linear pattern and aren't necessarily all experienced by everyone. They may show up in any order, may be revisited several times, and may not all be present.
• If you were the person who ended the relationship, denial may have shown up before the end. You may have denied what wasn't working and tried to make it work, minimizing evidence of unworkability until it escalated and became too obvious to ignore. If the other person ended the relationship, the denial may come later, and it may take time for you to get clear on what wasn't working between the two of you.
• Anger can come in many forms and can be a response to anything from frustration to betrayal, and everything in between. Although anger is often demonized in our culture, it's a wise component of our emotional toolbox that can help us reclaim our power. Anger is often expressed inappropriately, so be sure to distinguish between how you feel anger and how you express it. Also be mindful of the difference between moving through anger and grinding an ax without any noticeable shift in perspective. Use your anger to help you grow. (I'll write more about this in a future column.)
• Bargaining, with regard to the end of a relationship, sometimes prompts people to try to mend things at their own expense. True story: I knew a woman many years ago who was told by her boyfriend, "Marry me or I'll kill you." She married him, and you can imagine what kind of marriage they had. This dynamic happens on a lesser scale when a person stays in, or returns to, a bad relationship and makes costly compromises to avoid being alone.
• Depression is common after a breakup, often causing one or both parties to doubt their self-worth, desirability, or value as a partner. So great is some people's depression that they decide never to have another relationship. Passing through this stage may be a normal part of a breakup, but getting stuck here is a clue that therapy might be beneficial.
If you were the person who ended the relationship -- and even if you weren't -- your process might also include other stages as well. Possibilities include:
• Shock at the finality of the breakup and the return to a more self-contained state after being energetically linked to another person
• Relief that you no longer have to live with intolerable situations or try to make something work that was unworkable
• Celebration of skills and lessons learned, such as assertiveness, good boundaries, and new perspectives
• Reclaiming your right to live your life according to your vision, values, and core needs
How have you been supporting yourself as you heal?
The more you're able to nurture your hurting parts, the less you'll come to a new relationship from a place of need. Practicing self-care and extending compassion to your hurting parts helps move you forward toward readiness for a new relationship. A breakup is a great opportunity to practice this critical skill, which will serve you well whether you are single or in a relationship.
Where are you in your process of acceptance and making peace with your relationship?
Making peace often involves the following:
• Achieving honesty, clarity, and perspective about both players' weaknesses and challenges that contributed to the unworkability of the relationship
• A long view of the tough lessons you needed to learn in the relationship
• Evaluating the gifts the relationship brought into your life. How are you a better person? How did the relationship contribute to your growth?
How ready and willing are you to be with a new person?
How ready are you to open your heart to someone new and be vulnerable? How supportive are you ready to be of another person -- someone who surely won't match your image of the perfect partner? How can you put into practice the lessons you learned in your last relationship?
What is your next step?
To what extent do you have more work to do on your own? To what extent do your next life lessons require being with someone new? Ask yourself these questions from a place of deep willingness to know the truth, in this moment. Only you know the answers.
Got a question?Please e-mail your question to
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and put "Kira" in the subject line. I'll respond to questions in future columns.
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Kira Freed |
| About the author: |
| Kira Freed is a Certified Life Coach (CLC) and former psychotherapist with master's degrees in counseling psychology and anthropology. She has been passionate about personal growth since her teenage years and has been fortunate to attend a wealth of professional trainings and workshops. She has worked in the field of human development since 1990 and is inspired by and honored to collaborate with coaching clients in the emergence and expression of their authentic selves. Kira lives in Tucson, Arizona, and most of her clients work with her by telephone. She can be reached at
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for more information or to book a coaching session. She offers a sliding scale, and the first session is free. This e-mail address is being protected from spam bots, you need JavaScript enabled to view it |
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