Barrrgains Ahoy, Matey
It’s that time again—the time when we come together, as a nation, as a world, even, to celebrate the holiday that defines us and unites us, because the figure it celebrates is one that exemplifies those things we most cherish*.
That figure is, of course, the pirate. The holiday? Why, International Talk Like A Pirate Day on September 19th, ye scurvy dogs.
If there is one symbol that clearly symbolizes the pirate, it is the skull and crossbones. So to help you celebrate this crucial holiday properly, AWA presents [drum roll] a bunch of stuff with skulls on.
(You may be thinking of getting a parrot, too, but let me point out a crucial distinction between skulls and parrots when it comes to pirate accessorizing: skulls never poop down the back of your shoulder. So… skulls! Let me show you them.)
Celebrate the special day with a breakfast pillaged from this skull toaster; not only does it have a skull and crossbones emblazoned on the front, it emblazons your toast with same. €29.00
Pirating is not all about stabbing, quaffing, and arson. It’s also about accessorizing. We’ve already covered the issues you get into by accessorizing with birds, and, let’s face it, it’s just not safe to drive a vehicle with an eyepatch on. Something about depth perception or whatever. But a discreet sterling silver skull ring is never out of place. Not even at a PTA meeting (on the contrary, it should make your adversaries subtly nervous, which is exactly what you want—those meetings are ruthless). $80.00
 Pirates need somewhere to put their booty. They’re famous for it. Coddle your booty with this plush skull-and-crossbones chair, and order around your minions family members like the scallywag you are. £595.00
And while you’re sitting down, pour yourself some tea. Pirates can drink tea, right? I mean, not from flowery plates, maybe, but surely from a skull tea set it would be okay. If you know some little kids, they could bring their dolls, too; I’m fairly sure a pirate tea party would rock their world. And you could teach them the important differences between “Yarr?" (Excuse me, what did you say?) and “Yarr!" (I see your point, and agree wholeheartedly). Grammar is so important for growing children. $297.99
If you’re looking to add some pirate flair to your dining experience but want something a little more restrained, consider these skull-and-crossbones plates. You know those tense dinners with the extended family? I think these might get your message across just fine. $12.00
Whether you’re sailing the ocean blue or just surfing the net, it’s so important to have the right tools. You might be able to get away without a cutlass, but a mouse pad is crucial in today’s cutthroat world of landlubber business. You wouldn’t believe what those bilge rats (i.e., dudes in tech support) will do to you if they have to clean all the gunk out of your mouse one more time. $5.00
Pirate boots are cool, but people give you funny looks if you wear them to the grocery store. (Er, so I’ve heard. From a friend.) You can rock your pirate vibe in a pair of Ed Hardy LoRise sneaks, though, and you’ll probably just get compliments. $69.99
And for swabbing the deck (or digging for buried treasure on the beach), you might want these. $9.99
What’s more bad-ass than a pirate? A pirate ninja. But a pirate cat is cute, and cute beats bad-ass. (Thus the famous hand game “Pirate Ninja Cat."**) Throw down the winning move every time with this kitty pirate tee from Bad Cat Tagger. $24.99
Swashbuckling and drinking rum in place of brushing your teeth is all well and good, but sometimes a pirate wants to look… pretty. There’s nothing wrong with that, and if anyone says anything nasty about your Jolly Roger hair clips, we think you should make them walk the plank. $6.00
Now that you’re properly fitted out for TLAPD 2007, you have only one duty—besides, that is, talking like a pirate. That duty is to spread awareness of this extremely important holiday. Do it for America. Do it for the children. And do it for the coffee mug, which says it all for you at the low, low price of $11.99. That’s a steal, but don’t feel bad about it. You’re a pirate, after all.
Pirates love free stuff even more than they like ganking other people’s valuables, so if you want some free information about TLAPD 2007, including approved pirate pickup lines, check out the official website, or this other TLAPD website.
*Namely, true laissez-faire capitalism, freedom of travel, and… damn, these things always come in threes, don’t they? Um…keelhauling? **Not really. But this should exist, although… who beats the cat? |
